Asking someone to officiate your wedding
If you are considering having your close friend or family member officiate your wedding, there are a few things to investigate and consider first. You don't want to ask someone to be a part of your special celebration only to rescind the offer later. For those that are in the position of being asked to officiate a ceremony, it's a great idea to read through this article to make sure you are ready.
• Is it legal for them to officiate the ceremony?
You have probably researched enough to know that the person officiating your wedding needs to meet a certain standard depending on the state in which you are getting married. The most popular option is to have your friend or family member get ordained, online, through organizations such as the Universal Life Church. The follow link provides information on where ordained ministers can perform a ceremony. In some cases, the ordinances may also vary by county. To be safe, check with the county clerks office where the ceremony will be held to see if there are any restrictions. From our officiant partners around the United States, we have been told about certain places where you need to register. In New York City, officiants have to register and appear in person in the clerk's office. Recently, the state of Tennessee changed their laws which significantly decreased the choices you have when deciding upon who will preside over your ceremony. In Virginia, only pastors of certain churches can apparently be a part of the wedding. Where we are based, most of the churches only allow their own pastor to officiate. https://getordained.org/state-marriage-laws . In any event make sure that they take ownership of the wedding license, have the witness(es) sign and that they sign and return it. Recently, I had a couple try to obtain their wedding license, but when they went to the county clerk, they were told it was not properly filed. Apparently, the grooms best friend had signed where he was supposed to print his name, crossed out his mistake and mailed it in. This made the license invalid and when the county sent him a notice to sign an affidavit for a new license, he must have tossed it thinking it was junk mail. This caused a bit of a delay in the couple's plans when it came to their passports.
• Do they really want to officiate?
For professional wedding officiants, being in charge of the ceremony is their job. They love what they do and have a lot of experience in how to prepare and deliver an outstanding wedding ceremony. For a friend or family member, they may be excited about the prospect of being such an important part of your celebration, but when they start to really think about it, it may be too much. To do an awesome job they need to:
- Research how to run their part of the wedding rehearsal (or the whole thing if you don't have a planner or coordinator)
- Research how to best write a wedding ceremony. Someone that says they are just going to "wing it," shouldn't be allowed to stand in front of a group of people when they only have one opportunity to make a good impression. This is your wedding day and there are no "do overs" or "mulligans."
- Research all of the elements of a wedding ceremony and present them to the couple. Perhaps there is a certain ritual (e.g. Love Letter and Wine Box or Tree Planting ceremony) that would really make their wedding extra special. Know how to incorporate religious beliefs, offer ideas on readings and offer general guidance.
- Ensure they feel comfortable speaking in front of a group of people. From my personal experience, I have never had an issue with public speaking...until I was asked to officiate my older brother's wedding, in front of close friends and my parents. There was certainly an added level of pressure to be perfect.
- Consider if they would enjoy the wedding more if they too could relax and take in the celebration (instead of worrying about performing a ceremony).
- Carve out some time to meet with you as the couple and ask you a lot of questions. One of the reasons to ask a close friend or family member to officiate is because they know you really well. Their ceremony should incorporate what they know about your relationship and delivering a script that details your individual love story. To have a friend officiate and read from a standard template defeats the purpose of having someone you know being your officiant / celebrant.
- Be 100% sure that they can make it to the wedding and rehearsal. In 2018, as a professional wedding celebrant, I had five couples reach out to me with less than 10 days notice to see if I was available because their friend or family member could no longer be their officiant. Two of those couldn't make it to the wedding due to conflicts, one didn't have the time to meet with the couple and prepare the script and two decided they didn't feel comfortable in that role as a public speaker.
- Adhere to the guidelines that you provide to them. If you do choose a family member or friend to officiate, be very clear about what you want from the ceremony. For example, asking them to not ad lib. As a part-time wedding planner, I have witnessed officiants (not professionals or clergy) who have detailed stories that they knew about the groom and/or bride that were...well, not appropriate for a wedding ceremony. And from the looks on the faces of those couples, they were a bit embarrassed as well. Discuss things such as religious beliefs (e.g. if the bride is a Christian but the groom is atheist, should there be a light prayer?), family dynamics (including honoring any members that have passed on), ceremony length, and use of humor, just to name a few.
- Make sure they leave enough time to send you a copy of the ceremony so that you can review it and make any changes. One of the most soothing things you can do for yourselves, is to have a great idea of what is going to be said so that there are no surprises.
- Reach out to your other wedding vendors before the ceremony begins. As the officiant, you should touch base with the photographer, DJ, coordinator or planner for any special instructions. Everyone is working together as a team to ensure you have a great wedding!
• Are they a good writer and public speaker?
Some people are great at cocktail parties and other social events, but get extremely nervous when speaking before a large audience. Why? There are no distractions. Everyone is focused on looking at the couple, the wedding party and listening to the ceremony script. If they let that get in their heads, they can become nervous, start to tremble and sweat and lose their place in the ceremony. I have seen even the most confident people come forward for just a short reading only to fall apart.
When it comes to writing, you want to make sure the script includes everything you want from your ceremony. It has been said that a wedding without a great ceremony, is just a party that starts off with a forgettable speech. The actual reason for a wedding is the joining together of two people and the emotion of that moment should create a lasting memory.
• Are they super reliable?
- Will they set up time(s) to meet with you to develop the ceremony script or will they be too busy or always have something that comes up?
- Will they be distracted? I have noticed from working as a planner that a friend or family member is usually busy talking with other friends and family members leading up to the ceremony instead of focusing on last minute rehearsing. Unfortunately, some people will come up to the friend officiant and make what they think are funny jokes such as, "Don't screw this up!" or "You must be really nervous, right?" As a professional, I spend a half hour leading up to the ceremony time reading and re-reading the ceremony and speaking with the other onsite vendors to make sure everything goes smoothly.
- Will they show up on time for the rehearsal, completely prepared. As a professional officiant, I always show up early and have everything ready to go including a wedding worksheet that will allow me to step in and run the rehearsal if the coordinator / planner is unable to participate.
- Will they be at the wedding site at least 30 minutes prior to the ceremony taking place? There is quite a bit of stress on your wedding day with things that will come up that you were not anticipating (e.g. bridesmaids dress is missing, stylist calls in sick, missing boutonniere, guests that got lost etc...) You don't want to add on the stress of wondering where the officiant is and what should you do if they don't show up, forget the script or forget the wedding license you gave them the night before.
- After the ceremony, will they remember to have the license signed and give all of the proper instructions to your witnesses so that it won't be rejected? Will they remember to mail in the license and make a copy of it just in case it gets lost in the mail or at the county clerks office? If the license is rejected, will they properly fill out and return the affidavit?
Here is a copy of an email that you don't want to have to send (emailed to me 12 days before a large wedding at a 4-star resort):
Hi Brian–
I'm reaching out to see if you can provide some emergency help! My fiance and I previously had planned for a member of our wedding party to officiate our wedding, but there was a last minute change, they are unable to do it, and we're scrambling to find someone with a background in secular services to officiate our big day.
Your website and testimonials certainly resonated with our style and vision, so I wanted to reach out to see if you might be available last minute.
With all of this being said, it is not a bad idea to have your friend or family member officiate your wedding. Consider what has been written above when making your decision. If you think that person may need a little extra help, reach out to a local wedding officiant to see if they are available to hire as a consultant. With 10 years of officiating experience and over 1,500 weddings, I am available to work with your friend or family member to do everything I can to ensure a wonderful ceremony experience. For more details, visit our consulting page.
Are there other ways you can include friends and family members in your wedding to help personalize it?
- Invite them to offer a special reading during the ceremony
- Ask the minister or professional officiant to build in a section of the ceremony where they can come up and say something about you as a couple to help personalize the ceremony even more.
- Have the officiant provide an additional questionnaire for someone who knows you as a couple extremely well. They can take that information and incorporate it into your story / script.
- Have them make a toast during the reception (this is great because by this point, the pressure is off and it's a more relaxed environment for them to convey how they feel about you).
- In your wedding program, aside from the usual layout of the ceremony, include little stories from your closest family and friends.
- During the reception, have a video tribute where your videographer (or friend) puts together snippets of stories from your family and friends.
Always keep in mind that if you hire the right officiant, they can provide you with:
- The peace of mind of hiring a professional who has officiated many weddings in the past and has the necessary experience to handle anything that comes up (see our FAQ/Stories). Yes, it is an additional wedding expense but for most weddings, the cost of the officiant is equal to the cost of one selections of appetizers. Believe me, people will remember the ceremony more than one of the appetizers.
- With the right officiant, someone that can get to know you and write a creative, well-written ceremony that tells your story in a fun and emotional way. With my service, I send out a questionnaire to the couple (and sometimes to a mutual friend of theirs to get another perspective on your relationship) and meet and speak with them on the phone (and through email) several times. A good officiant can get to know who you are as a couple which is most important for a great wedding ceremony.
- Backup options in the event of an emergency or illness (good professionals have at least 4 backup officiants they can call in if they were to fall ill on your wedding day).
- Experience with public speaking in front of hundreds of guests, without getting nervous or feeling flustered.
- Reviews so that you can see the quality and examples of their work. Keep in mind if a professional wedding officiant doesn't do a great job, his or her reputation for their chosen career can be damaged. We all take what we do very seriously!
- Relationships with local vendors, coordinators and wedding planners that help to ensure a smooth, stress free wedding day.
• Is it legal for them to officiate the ceremony?
You have probably researched enough to know that the person officiating your wedding needs to meet a certain standard depending on the state in which you are getting married. The most popular option is to have your friend or family member get ordained, online, through organizations such as the Universal Life Church. The follow link provides information on where ordained ministers can perform a ceremony. In some cases, the ordinances may also vary by county. To be safe, check with the county clerks office where the ceremony will be held to see if there are any restrictions. From our officiant partners around the United States, we have been told about certain places where you need to register. In New York City, officiants have to register and appear in person in the clerk's office. Recently, the state of Tennessee changed their laws which significantly decreased the choices you have when deciding upon who will preside over your ceremony. In Virginia, only pastors of certain churches can apparently be a part of the wedding. Where we are based, most of the churches only allow their own pastor to officiate. https://getordained.org/state-marriage-laws . In any event make sure that they take ownership of the wedding license, have the witness(es) sign and that they sign and return it. Recently, I had a couple try to obtain their wedding license, but when they went to the county clerk, they were told it was not properly filed. Apparently, the grooms best friend had signed where he was supposed to print his name, crossed out his mistake and mailed it in. This made the license invalid and when the county sent him a notice to sign an affidavit for a new license, he must have tossed it thinking it was junk mail. This caused a bit of a delay in the couple's plans when it came to their passports.
• Do they really want to officiate?
For professional wedding officiants, being in charge of the ceremony is their job. They love what they do and have a lot of experience in how to prepare and deliver an outstanding wedding ceremony. For a friend or family member, they may be excited about the prospect of being such an important part of your celebration, but when they start to really think about it, it may be too much. To do an awesome job they need to:
- Research how to run their part of the wedding rehearsal (or the whole thing if you don't have a planner or coordinator)
- Research how to best write a wedding ceremony. Someone that says they are just going to "wing it," shouldn't be allowed to stand in front of a group of people when they only have one opportunity to make a good impression. This is your wedding day and there are no "do overs" or "mulligans."
- Research all of the elements of a wedding ceremony and present them to the couple. Perhaps there is a certain ritual (e.g. Love Letter and Wine Box or Tree Planting ceremony) that would really make their wedding extra special. Know how to incorporate religious beliefs, offer ideas on readings and offer general guidance.
- Ensure they feel comfortable speaking in front of a group of people. From my personal experience, I have never had an issue with public speaking...until I was asked to officiate my older brother's wedding, in front of close friends and my parents. There was certainly an added level of pressure to be perfect.
- Consider if they would enjoy the wedding more if they too could relax and take in the celebration (instead of worrying about performing a ceremony).
- Carve out some time to meet with you as the couple and ask you a lot of questions. One of the reasons to ask a close friend or family member to officiate is because they know you really well. Their ceremony should incorporate what they know about your relationship and delivering a script that details your individual love story. To have a friend officiate and read from a standard template defeats the purpose of having someone you know being your officiant / celebrant.
- Be 100% sure that they can make it to the wedding and rehearsal. In 2018, as a professional wedding celebrant, I had five couples reach out to me with less than 10 days notice to see if I was available because their friend or family member could no longer be their officiant. Two of those couldn't make it to the wedding due to conflicts, one didn't have the time to meet with the couple and prepare the script and two decided they didn't feel comfortable in that role as a public speaker.
- Adhere to the guidelines that you provide to them. If you do choose a family member or friend to officiate, be very clear about what you want from the ceremony. For example, asking them to not ad lib. As a part-time wedding planner, I have witnessed officiants (not professionals or clergy) who have detailed stories that they knew about the groom and/or bride that were...well, not appropriate for a wedding ceremony. And from the looks on the faces of those couples, they were a bit embarrassed as well. Discuss things such as religious beliefs (e.g. if the bride is a Christian but the groom is atheist, should there be a light prayer?), family dynamics (including honoring any members that have passed on), ceremony length, and use of humor, just to name a few.
- Make sure they leave enough time to send you a copy of the ceremony so that you can review it and make any changes. One of the most soothing things you can do for yourselves, is to have a great idea of what is going to be said so that there are no surprises.
- Reach out to your other wedding vendors before the ceremony begins. As the officiant, you should touch base with the photographer, DJ, coordinator or planner for any special instructions. Everyone is working together as a team to ensure you have a great wedding!
• Are they a good writer and public speaker?
Some people are great at cocktail parties and other social events, but get extremely nervous when speaking before a large audience. Why? There are no distractions. Everyone is focused on looking at the couple, the wedding party and listening to the ceremony script. If they let that get in their heads, they can become nervous, start to tremble and sweat and lose their place in the ceremony. I have seen even the most confident people come forward for just a short reading only to fall apart.
When it comes to writing, you want to make sure the script includes everything you want from your ceremony. It has been said that a wedding without a great ceremony, is just a party that starts off with a forgettable speech. The actual reason for a wedding is the joining together of two people and the emotion of that moment should create a lasting memory.
• Are they super reliable?
- Will they set up time(s) to meet with you to develop the ceremony script or will they be too busy or always have something that comes up?
- Will they be distracted? I have noticed from working as a planner that a friend or family member is usually busy talking with other friends and family members leading up to the ceremony instead of focusing on last minute rehearsing. Unfortunately, some people will come up to the friend officiant and make what they think are funny jokes such as, "Don't screw this up!" or "You must be really nervous, right?" As a professional, I spend a half hour leading up to the ceremony time reading and re-reading the ceremony and speaking with the other onsite vendors to make sure everything goes smoothly.
- Will they show up on time for the rehearsal, completely prepared. As a professional officiant, I always show up early and have everything ready to go including a wedding worksheet that will allow me to step in and run the rehearsal if the coordinator / planner is unable to participate.
- Will they be at the wedding site at least 30 minutes prior to the ceremony taking place? There is quite a bit of stress on your wedding day with things that will come up that you were not anticipating (e.g. bridesmaids dress is missing, stylist calls in sick, missing boutonniere, guests that got lost etc...) You don't want to add on the stress of wondering where the officiant is and what should you do if they don't show up, forget the script or forget the wedding license you gave them the night before.
- After the ceremony, will they remember to have the license signed and give all of the proper instructions to your witnesses so that it won't be rejected? Will they remember to mail in the license and make a copy of it just in case it gets lost in the mail or at the county clerks office? If the license is rejected, will they properly fill out and return the affidavit?
Here is a copy of an email that you don't want to have to send (emailed to me 12 days before a large wedding at a 4-star resort):
Hi Brian–
I'm reaching out to see if you can provide some emergency help! My fiance and I previously had planned for a member of our wedding party to officiate our wedding, but there was a last minute change, they are unable to do it, and we're scrambling to find someone with a background in secular services to officiate our big day.
Your website and testimonials certainly resonated with our style and vision, so I wanted to reach out to see if you might be available last minute.
With all of this being said, it is not a bad idea to have your friend or family member officiate your wedding. Consider what has been written above when making your decision. If you think that person may need a little extra help, reach out to a local wedding officiant to see if they are available to hire as a consultant. With 10 years of officiating experience and over 1,500 weddings, I am available to work with your friend or family member to do everything I can to ensure a wonderful ceremony experience. For more details, visit our consulting page.
Are there other ways you can include friends and family members in your wedding to help personalize it?
- Invite them to offer a special reading during the ceremony
- Ask the minister or professional officiant to build in a section of the ceremony where they can come up and say something about you as a couple to help personalize the ceremony even more.
- Have the officiant provide an additional questionnaire for someone who knows you as a couple extremely well. They can take that information and incorporate it into your story / script.
- Have them make a toast during the reception (this is great because by this point, the pressure is off and it's a more relaxed environment for them to convey how they feel about you).
- In your wedding program, aside from the usual layout of the ceremony, include little stories from your closest family and friends.
- During the reception, have a video tribute where your videographer (or friend) puts together snippets of stories from your family and friends.
Always keep in mind that if you hire the right officiant, they can provide you with:
- The peace of mind of hiring a professional who has officiated many weddings in the past and has the necessary experience to handle anything that comes up (see our FAQ/Stories). Yes, it is an additional wedding expense but for most weddings, the cost of the officiant is equal to the cost of one selections of appetizers. Believe me, people will remember the ceremony more than one of the appetizers.
- With the right officiant, someone that can get to know you and write a creative, well-written ceremony that tells your story in a fun and emotional way. With my service, I send out a questionnaire to the couple (and sometimes to a mutual friend of theirs to get another perspective on your relationship) and meet and speak with them on the phone (and through email) several times. A good officiant can get to know who you are as a couple which is most important for a great wedding ceremony.
- Backup options in the event of an emergency or illness (good professionals have at least 4 backup officiants they can call in if they were to fall ill on your wedding day).
- Experience with public speaking in front of hundreds of guests, without getting nervous or feeling flustered.
- Reviews so that you can see the quality and examples of their work. Keep in mind if a professional wedding officiant doesn't do a great job, his or her reputation for their chosen career can be damaged. We all take what we do very seriously!
- Relationships with local vendors, coordinators and wedding planners that help to ensure a smooth, stress free wedding day.